When Sex Doesn’t Go as PlannedValentina Tudose
Do you remember all those sex scenes in the movies where a couple is so caught up in the moment that they can barely keep their hands off each other in the elevator and stumble into the bedroom, shoes and clothes literally flying in all directions?
Imagine the heat of the moment, the passion palpable on the screen, the sexual energy going thru the roof…. Only to get to a sudden stop, like an old cinema tape breaking in the middle of the show….
That moment when, after so much teasing, anticipation and excitement, the time has come for actual sex… and he just can’t get it up.
This is not just a scene from the movies but all too common in many bedrooms all over the world. Whether on a first date or just a regular night in any couple’s life, men often find themselves unable to maintain an erection and ‘perform’ their perceived duty of pleasing the woman in the one way they think equals good sex – penetration.
In a world where most sex education comes from pornography (sadly!), most people still think sex is not good if there is no PIV (penis in vagina) action. But is it really?
The more the man is nervous or worried about his capacity to please his partner, the higher the chances he will at some point struggle to stay hard during sex.
So, first of all, why does it happen?
Losing an erection is usually the physiological consequence of a psychological issue related to performance anxiety. A man has three major worries when it comes to sex:
1. Will I be able to make her come?
2. Will I be able to stop myself from coming too fast?
3. What if I lose my erection?
The moment any of these questions pop into his mind, the connection with the partner breaks, he focuses on himself and the pressure starts. As porn educates us that good sex equals orgasms and those can mostly be achieved thru penetration, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and the spell is broken.
What can you as the woman do about it?
1. Remember this is not about you. I mean it IS entirely about you, but not in the way you think. He’s not losing his erection because of something you are doing wrong or because he doesn’t find you attractive. The truth is men just want to please us. They take it as their duty, and it helps them feel better about themselves. What a man really needs in those moments is reassurance. Take it as a fact of life. Penises are weird sometimes and have a mind of their own so just switch tempo. Say’ hey why don’t we take a break for a little while, this has been quite intense. I would really like to slow down and go back to kissing’. Stroking, cuddling and mutual masturbation are great options for keeping things going while waiting for the anxiety to drop and other parts to rise.
2. Remind your partner that sex is not about orgasm but much more about connection. Help him relax in the knowledge that you are not judging the success of the evening on either the size and hardness of his penis nor the number of orgasms he can give you. Take some time to just look into each other’s’ eyes, become fully present with each other and focus on synchronizing your breaths (this is a great tantric trick to enhance your spiritual connection and fully align your energies with each other).
3. Remember that your orgasm is your responsibility and not his job to make it happen. This means owning your experience, letting go of any worries YOU have about your own body, confidence issues or intimacy fears and just be fully present in the moment. It can also mean you can gently introduce your lover to the idea that, as a woman, direct clitoral stimulation is often necessary for your climax. Cue to bringing the clit and man-friendly Tsubaki into the play! You can take turns stimulating your genitals with this pretty vibrator, experimenting with the different speeds and intensities. This way, not only remove the pressure of performance from his shoulders but also teach him a thing or two about how you like to be touched.
With both of you letting go of the idea of performance and achieving a goal, you will find the penis might make a miraculous recovery and give you lots and lots of pleasure.
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